Longing

The night we met

Energy zapped through my body with anticipation

I picked out my outfit diligently hoping to make the best first impression

I got your call

My palms started sweating

I waited at the front door to meet you

and my knees went weak

You smelled like sunshine and sweet mint

Your voice floated into my ears and I knew I belonged to you

And then you kissed me

It was like second instinct

Something my body just knew it should be doing

Time away from you drove me stir crazy

When I saw you again

the kissing intensified

When I invited you between my legs

your hands on my thighs sent shivers through my body

We enjoyed awkward giggles as our hands learned where to feel

and our mouths learned how to mold to each other

 

Floating

I kiss your nose

and so it goes

The tingles start

in my toes

And then my heart

Begins to pound

As your hand wraps around my throat

I begin to float

As you dote on me

I fall to my knees

And take you in

New

He grabs for my hand in a way you never did

He kisses me just to kiss me

To taste my sweet happiness for him

His tongue sweeps into my mouth

giving me what I want

He doesn’t play the games you would always win against me

I talk to him with the same spit fire sarcasm and he throws it right back

I talk to him about people who used to make me happy, and he doesn’t get upste

He’s not jealous of who I was before I met him

Today my heart hurts knowing that soon I’ll forget all about us

but it yearns for the joy I’ve always hoped for

Growth

I wanted to die

On multiple occasions I wanted to die

I wanted to feel my body gasp for the last breath

I wanted to give way to peace

and I wanted to let go

It’s been 10 years since the first time I felt the overcoming desire to die

And even now I’m surprised when I see I wrote ‘wanted’

It doesn’t matter who you’re surrounded by

What you spend your time doing

and only where you see your life going

It is not something you can move away from

It’s not something you can think away

When you have the first thought that you should end your life it is something that will eat away at you until you decide to do it or decide this isn’t the end of your story

It take less than a second to act on your decision

And it takes a lifetime to believe that you made the right decision to keep breathing

Glow

I never walked into a room that I wanted to stay in

I never went to a party that I didn’t immediately want to leave from

A dinner I wish I would have cancelled

An outing I should never have agreed to

But then I met you.

And I wanted to be around you all of the time

And then I heard the way you make people laugh

and I too wanted to feel that joy

I wanted to say at all of the parties

You’re the light of the room

And the low warms my face

You’re the grim that hurts my cheeks

You’re the bed I want to stay in and never get out of

for all of the right reasons

Your love burns hotter than the sun as we kiss in the moonlight

Where every you lead, I’m following

 

Waves

Blue eyes

Deeper than the ocean

Burning down at me as I try to tread the waters

But wave after wave crashes into me as I’m pulled deeper into you

And I don’t fight back

you’re the breath of fresh and salty air I’ve been searching for

The wind of change

Taking me out to sea

Blue

Blue eyes like sapphires

Lips as red as rubies

The sweet taste of your tongue on mine as we search one another like a lost treasure trove

The temperature burns as your hands find their way

The air hitches as your grip tightens

And I knew from the first time

I was your to claim as your own

Wait

It comes before you even know its name

you pick up the knife and the rush runs through your body

before you know it

your skin is naked

the blade is clean

and you’re bracing yourself for a slice you know you won’t feel

then you wait

to see yourself blood

to know how deep you went

but that’s the only satisfaction you have

and if nothing shows you know you need to go deeper

Tragedy.

Your personal tragedy has an expiration date.

It’s the day when all of your family members

All of your friends

Co workers

Stop giving a shit about the thing that’s currently ruining your life

That moment, when everything fell off of a cliff

Became less shiny

Less intense

Less dramatic for everyone else

It takes about a month

And then you’re left alone

Because it’s your life

It’s your eyes staring over the cliff

Watching your life keep crashing down

And then what do you do?

Because you’re still out of your mind

You’re still popping pills like they’re your life saving breath mints

But you’ve built up the wall

You said you’re fine

You told them someone else was aware of the issue

That means

It’s not their problem

It’s your problem

But you can’t even focus on your own personal tragedy

Because

The love of your life left

Your loved ones died

You were in a crash

Your job sucks

There are day to day responsibilities that are always going to take precedent over

Your eating disorder

Your depression

Your anxiety

Your drug addiction

Your alcoholism

And you keep clawing your way out of the crevasse

But you bite your nails

And you have nothing left to grab onto to save yourself