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The Journey

Irreplaceable.

He was mine

& I was his.

I  jumped in & gave him everything I had

& now he’s gone

We don’t belong to each other

We don’t belong to anyone

I am free

And I am scared.

I miss him

his laugh

his touch

his presence in my home

But now I’m alone & I am scared.

No matter who comes up to me at the bar

They’ll never be him

They’ll never replace the man I love.

Easy.

It’s easy.

To see where we went wrong.

To see how we got to here.

It’s easy

to figure out how the love turned into contempt.

I moved away

& you wouldn’t follow.

It was easy to fall in love with you.

to let the wall break down

to let you inside.

In this moment it is easy to remember

what it was like to laugh with you

to remember how you touched me

& how you held me.

It’s easy to remember how it felt to be loved by you.

It is incomprehensible to figure out where to go from here.

How do you let go of something so easy?

Hard.

It’s hard.

To look where we go from here.

To see how we will grow away from one another.

It’s hard.

to figure out why it was so easy for you to say goodbye.

You moved away

and I couldn’t follow.

It’s hard to fall out of love with you.

To build the wall back up

To push the memory of you away.

In this moment it’s hard to imagine a future without you

to never feel your hands on my skin.

It’s hard to realize that one day

I will forget what it feels like to be yours

Time.

We knew our time was not guaranteed.

We knew we were not the lucky ones that had forever & the happy ending.

We could hear the clock ticking.

Every time you didn’t pull me closer.

tick.

tock.

Every time i took me longer to come home.

tick.

tock.

But I never thought we’d run out so soon.

So maybe one day

the hands of time will rewind.

& we’ll find each others eyes from across the room.

& we’ll breathe it in

tick

tock

And we’ll remember how lucky we were to have loved even just for a moment.

Waves.

I was stopped at a red light.

Listening to whatever pop song was popular at the time.

& then

I couldn’t breathe.

It felt like my heart was squeezed

& put on ice.

All i could do was gasp for air

& see your face.

It comes in waves.

I’ll be fine.

I’ll be okay

& then a lyric or a place or a thought will trigger your memory.

& I will fall & I will lose myself

It will take a few hours to gain my bearings.

It comes in waves.

of happiness

of deep dark despair

of the feeling that it’s just okay to get through another day.

It comes in waves.

Memories.

I wish I could cherish our memories.

That when I lie awake at night I could find the sliver of comfort guaranteed from our many years of happiness.

When I look back now

they have a film.

No longer exuding the warm glow of summer sun on my face.

They’ve turned grey and cold.

tainted by the inevitable ending ruined by your actions.

They send a shiver down my spine.

Were we ever really happy & in love?

Laughing & carefree.

Or were we just waiting for the bubble to burst.

Reality to settle in.

& realize the damage we’ve done to each other.

I wish I could cherish you.

But in the process of using each other to try to save ourselves

you took all I had.

Storm.

It all begins and end with a question.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth the pain?

Is it worth the darkness?

Is it worth missing girls nights to stay in on the couch with you?

Will it be worth basking in your warm glow, be worth the storm you leave behind?

 

Admission.

You never wanted to actually admit that I really did love you because you couldn’t stomach the thought of being responsible for my heart. I see that now. But it’s too late. As I spiral out of control & lose who I was & find the darkness of the night.

 

Training.

You trained me well.

Broken like the wild animal I was.

You trained me to love you

to make you happy on your terms.

Yes master

anything for master.

But master’s gone

no where to be found.

What do I do now?

How do I know how to feel without the perfect formula to create a balance.

Master is gone

No where to be found

and Daisy is left

No where to go.

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