The Journey


Your personal tragedy has an expiration date.

It’s the day when all of your family members

All of your friends

Co workers

Stop giving a shit about the thing that’s currently ruining your life

That moment, when everything fell off of a cliff

Became less shiny

Less intense

Less dramatic for everyone else

It takes about a month

And then you’re left alone

Because it’s your life

It’s your eyes staring over the cliff

Watching your life keep crashing down

And then what do you do?

Because you’re still out of your mind

You’re still popping pills like they’re your life saving breath mints

But you’ve built up the wall

You said you’re fine

You told them someone else was aware of the issue

That means

It’s not their problem

It’s your problem

But you can’t even focus on your own personal tragedy


The love of your life left

Your loved ones died

You were in a crash

Your job sucks

There are day to day responsibilities that are always going to take precedent over

Your eating disorder

Your depression

Your anxiety

Your drug addiction

Your alcoholism

And you keep clawing your way out of the crevasse

But you bite your nails

And you have nothing left to grab onto to save yourself


The High

Ride the high.
Let the dopamine take your body into the sky.
Say goodbye to your cares and worries
Let the warmth of happiness wrap around your body see the heat behind your eyes.
They say love can be a drug.
Stick the needle in my arm
let me take the plunge over the edge.
If everyday could feel this sweet
If everyday I could see the light in the dark
Give me it
Let me take more than I can handle
Let me overdose
I’ll float in the bliss of you and I IMG_0017


IMG_0164I’m numb.
I search for words to describe what I’m going through and they’re not there.
The passion is gone.
The heat of hatred has cooled to disdain.
The words to explain the loss are mere whispers of ideas of doubt.
I’m alone
Left with no one to listen and no words to say even if there was an ear to over hear.
Left alone with just thoughts of feelings.
Do I even remember your voice anymore
Could I still feel your touch if I concentrated hard enough?
But that’s the problem
I can’t concentrate
I can’t focus
I’m lost at sea
My head bobbing in the waves
I know how to swim
I know how to save myself but do I really want to
If my legs stopped kicking
If my arms stopped wading
And I sunk.
Let the waves crash over my head
Let the water burn my lungs
And I sink
The words come screaming as I’m no longer able to speak
Save me
Fucking save me
Pull me from the depths of the water
Remind me what it’s like to live
To feel the heat of passion
From love
From hate
Remind me what it’s like to have the words to explain
Because I’m going mute
I have nothing else to say
I don’t know what to do
I feel myself sinking without the words to make someone save me


He was mine

& I was his.

I  jumped in & gave him everything I had

& now he’s gone

We don’t belong to each other

We don’t belong to anyone

I am free

And I am scared.

I miss him

his laugh

his touch

his presence in my home

But now I’m alone & I am scared.

No matter who comes up to me at the bar

They’ll never be him

They’ll never replace the man I love.


It’s easy.

To see where we went wrong.

To see how we got to here.

It’s easy

to figure out how the love turned into contempt.

I moved away

& you wouldn’t follow.

It was easy to fall in love with you.

to let the wall break down

to let you inside.

In this moment it is easy to remember

what it was like to laugh with you

to remember how you touched me

& how you held me.

It’s easy to remember how it felt to be loved by you.

It is incomprehensible to figure out where to go from here.

How do you let go of something so easy?


It’s hard.

To look where we go from here.

To see how we will grow away from one another.

It’s hard.

to figure out why it was so easy for you to say goodbye.

You moved away

and I couldn’t follow.

It’s hard to fall out of love with you.

To build the wall back up

To push the memory of you away.

In this moment it’s hard to imagine a future without you

to never feel your hands on my skin.

It’s hard to realize that one day

I will forget what it feels like to be yours


We knew our time was not guaranteed.

We knew we were not the lucky ones that had forever & the happy ending.

We could hear the clock ticking.

Every time you didn’t pull me closer.



Every time i took me longer to come home.



But I never thought we’d run out so soon.

So maybe one day

the hands of time will rewind.

& we’ll find each others eyes from across the room.

& we’ll breathe it in



And we’ll remember how lucky we were to have loved even just for a moment.


I was stopped at a red light.

Listening to whatever pop song was popular at the time.

& then

I couldn’t breathe.

It felt like my heart was squeezed

& put on ice.

All i could do was gasp for air

& see your face.

It comes in waves.

I’ll be fine.

I’ll be okay

& then a lyric or a place or a thought will trigger your memory.

& I will fall & I will lose myself

It will take a few hours to gain my bearings.

It comes in waves.

of happiness

of deep dark despair

of the feeling that it’s just okay to get through another day.

It comes in waves.


I wish I could cherish our memories.

That when I lie awake at night I could find the sliver of comfort guaranteed from our many years of happiness.

When I look back now

they have a film.

No longer exuding the warm glow of summer sun on my face.

They’ve turned grey and cold.

tainted by the inevitable ending ruined by your actions.

They send a shiver down my spine.

Were we ever really happy & in love?

Laughing & carefree.

Or were we just waiting for the bubble to burst.

Reality to settle in.

& realize the damage we’ve done to each other.

I wish I could cherish you.

But in the process of using each other to try to save ourselves

you took all I had.

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